"It’s been weeks since the draft started taking over the streets of Philadelphia with all sorts of road closures, traffic chaos and construction that somehow required all that time to put up a stage and some lights. I’m sure that the labor unions are ecstatic. Gotta pay for that shore house somehow, amirite?
"Talk to any Uber driver — or just a city dweller with a car — who has been downtown in April, and they will tell you just how badly the NFL has screwed us."
But hey, at least the NFL insisted on staging it at the iconic art museum. You know, the Rocky steps. So the league clearly appreciates and respects the history as its backdrop.
Of course, none of that means much to those of us who don't live in the Philly area (anymore). We're just here to see a bunch of college kids get their 1st job and to find out which NFL teams hate women enough to draft Joe Mixon or Gareon Conley.
All that aside, if you're here, then you're just as feverish for the fantasy fallout as we are. Tonight will serve as just an appetizer, with the serious fantasy football player just as (more?) interested in Friday's and Saturday's picks.
We've already given the full Dynasty Prospect Profile treatment to 46 of the most important fantasy prospects in this class. And we hit 13 more guys with a mini-treatment. Jared delivered a different kind of mock draft yesterday. Each of us threw together a set of pre-draft rookie rankings. And we'll, of course, be hitting the podcast waves and collaborating on our post-draft rookie rankings in the coming days.
For now, though, let's celebrate the spectacle that has turned Mel Kiper and Mike Mayock into household names. Let's overreact to the first 32 selections. And let's see how many one-liner opportunities the coverage can provide.
We're on our annual DS staff retreat (in Cooperstown, N.Y., this time) and I'm ready to take my 3rd crack at this 1st-round live blog. My goal this year is to stay closer to sober than I did in 2016 ...
6:50 p.m. -- We're still an hour-plus from learning any prospect destinations. But I've already learned that Jared has the rare melon allergy and used to get back pains from eating cashews. I had no idea that he had reached his early 60s. I did, however, already know that he's allergic to properly rating Christine Michael. (And you did, too, if you listen to the pod regularly.)
6:55 p.m. -- In case you're looking for ways to kill the next hour, here's a list of "walk-up" songs that 1st-round prospects selected. I haven't heard most of them either.
7:01 p.m. -- "If I had a lot of money, I'd buy sweet sinks," Jared Smola said, unironically. That's either the goofiest wish I've heard since my 2nd daughter was 3 ... or the kind of practical mindset you want in an auction draft. Maybe both.
7:05 p.m. -- Adam Schefter says it looks like the Browns will take Myles Garrett. The Cleveland citizenry only needs to hold its breath for 55 more minutes.
7:10 p.m. -- I'm sure I've already talked more today about Davis Webb than I will on the podcast for the rest of his career. You can check out my full profile on him here. Cliff Notes version: I REALLY hope someone wastes a pick (and, ideally, other picks to move into that position) to select him tonight. I'll be crying myself to sleep if it doesn't happen.
7:12 p.m. -- Oh, look! Roger Goodell's being interviewed on ESPN! I'm sure he'll have some breaking updates for us!
7:17 p.m. -- NFL Network has Apollo Creed, and Jamal Adams is "on fleek." Belee dat.
7:22 p.m. -- OK. If we're just looking at outfits and talking to parents on NFL Network, then I'm out until the action starts.
7:30 p.m. -- Please don't play Elton John's "Philadelphia Freedom" anymore tonight. I don't care where the draft is. That song needs to die.
7:35 p.m. -- I gotta be honest here: I really don't know what to do in fantasy with players who have hit women. Avoid them regardless of value? Use them anyway? I can't imagine my lineup decisions (or yours) will impact the league's treatment of these situations at all. But I also have trouble dismissing the assault and rooting for the player to deliver me fantasy points. I doubt there's a right answer here, but it's a question worth considering.
7:37 p.m. -- Hey Tak McKinley, if you don't want the league to worry about your knee, you might want to save the pimp walk for later. There are old white men watching and deciding your future.
7:39 p.m. -- Will Corey Davis' decision to wear bubble gum as a jacket affect his status more than the ankle surgery?
7:43 p.m. -- "What an unbelievable anthem! What an unbelievable crowd! What an unbelievable night!" Calm down, Trey Wingo. We've got hours to go.
7:44 p.m. -- Dear Rob Lowe, It is OK to say no to some TV gigs. Let someone else be the next Colonel Sanders. Christian Slater's probably available.
7:46 p.m. -- Do you think the Guardians of the Galaxy folks paid ESPN more than Ed Werder's salary for the current ad campaign? Just curious ...
7:53 p.m. -- Besides Davis Webb, Patrick Mahomes to the Cardinals is the pick I need. Although I'd be cool with Houston, too. That's the only QB I'm truly interested in for rookie drafts -- though even then not until Round 3.
7:58 p.m. -- I love the draft, too, folks. But why are 70,000 of you attending a graduation ceremony?
8:04 p.m. -- I like Trey Wingo's quick tribute to Chris Berman ... almost as much as I like that Berman won't be involved tonight.
8:07 p.m. -- I enjoy the now-annual tradition of booing Goodell. But bossman Lenny raises a fair question: Why do we do it?
8:09 p.m. -- Ah, that's enough time spent contemplating that. Boo!
8:10 p.m. -- If you don't believe Myles Garrett should go #1, please don't tell Mel Kiper. He just might punch you in the gonads.
8:13 p.m. -- And Garrett makes history by becoming the first football player Jon Gruden has ever criticized on TV.
8:17 p.m. -- And the Myles Garrett storyline quickly falls away as the Bears make the stupid ... I mean, bold -- yeah, bold move to trade up to #2. Solomon Thomas?
8:22 p.m. -- JUST as I finish the Solomon Thomas Shark Bite, the Bears surprise everyone and that female Bears fan in the front row by selecting Mike Glennon's replacement.
8:26 p.m. -- (Don't make the joke about kissing Suzy Kolber. Don't make the joke about kissing Suzy Kolber.)
8:29 p.m. -- Can we all please stop using "unbelievable" as a simple synonym for "good"? I believe everything I've seen so far, Trey.
8:31 p.m. -- Trey Wingo tells us that Solomon Thomas wants to hurdle down the steps and eventually body-surf to opposing QBs. Thomas hugs Goodell as though the Commish just saved his grampa from drowning. This kid's gotta learn that the appropriate greeting is "BOO."
8:34 p.m. -- Jacksonville just keeps breaking records ... or, at least, it's own record of how many times drafting among the top 5.
8:40 p.m. -- OK, so is Jacksonville a bad enough situation to crush Leonard Fournette, or will he force it to become a better situation? At least we can stop being subjected to T.J. Yeldon.
8:43 p.m. -- Temporary DS headquarters here in Cooperstown is tickled with Corey Davis going to Tennessee 5th overall. Thank you for being smart enough to overlook the ankle stuff, Titans. Lenny was hoping the salmon jacket would hang in Pittsburgh, though. He's shouting mean things at the TV.
8:47 p.m. -- Ian Rapoport says the Browns are trying to trade for QB Kirk Cousins; "this is real." You know, in case you thought he had a kid taking over his Twitter account.
8:49 p.m. -- We've all been bashing ESPN plenty this week. Let me take a moment to say they've finally gotten their draft crew right. No Berman. No Meshawn. No Cris Carter. No spoilers from Schefter. Just Wingo, Kiper, Gruden and the underrated Louis Riddick. Nice job, folks.
8:52 p.m. -- Wingo tells us Jamal Adams bet his dad (former NFL RB George Adams) $50,000 at age 10 he'd get drafted earlier than George did. The NFL just suspended him for his entire rookie season for gambling. He's not allowed to take the field until the Raiders start playing in Vegas.
8:59 p.m. -- The Chargers want all the WRs. You have to love Philip Rivers' fantasy outlook for 2017, though I was more excited about early drafters not appreciating his value. It has to rise now, right? I hate this for Tyrell Williams, though. Tough to be excited in redraft -- though maybe there's a chance to buy him at a discount in dynasty.
9:04 p.m. -- Christian McCaffrey to the Panthers. Plenty of opportunity, but are they smart enough on offense to maximize his fantasy potential? They've spent the past couple of years trying to convince us all that you're not allowed to throw passes to RBs.
9:10 p.m. -- How did McCaffrey get a Panthers hat that fast?!?
9:12 p.m. -- Is there any chance that John Ross and A.J. Green don't love each other? Andy Dalton: Draft Value. Again.
9:14 p.m. -- By the way, you can check the Shark Bites page for Jared's instant analysis on the offensive picks and my takes on the defensive guys.
9:15 p.m. -- The Chiefs have jumped all the way from 27 to 10. Andy Reid's hungry.
9:18 p.m. -- Let's all take a minute to appreciate the Niners and Bills -- 2 franchises commonly mocked in recent years -- making really smart trades so far tonight.
9:19 p.m. -- I've been trying to tell Smola that Patrick Mahomes is the QB you wanna go get in this class -- not Deshaun Watson. Thank you, NFL, for validating me.
9:25 p.m. -- As we see Deshaun Watson still waiting in the green room, Dabo Swinney cannot believe how many Sam Bowies there are in this draft.
9:26 p.m. -- I don't remember the last thing I wanted to NOT watch as much as the new Baywatch movie.
9:32 p.m. -- Adam Schefter should be happy that the EPA is about to get blowed up. Otherwise, they'd probably be fining him for polluting the air with excessive words. Be more verbally efficient, dude. (Says the guy typing out a totally superfluous live blog.)
9:36 p.m. -- Michael Jordan finally gets picked! Brock Osweiler sits in a bowling alley in Berea, unimpressed.
9:40 p.m. -- We're gonna be arguing about the rookie QBs right up until the rookie rankings get posted. Lenny's boasting about how good his meat is.
9:42 p.m. -- (Don't worry. He bought and cooked the sausage.)
9:56 p.m. -- I still identify myself as an Eagles fan. Honestly, though, at least point they're just the team I'm slightly more interested in. Derek Barnett's a fine pick. My IDP side would have rather seen him go somewhere else, though, for the sake of Vinny Curry's stats (and likely Barnett's).
9:59 p.m. -- Progressive baaaadly wants to annoy you out of buying insurance through them. They've taken everything GEICO has done as a direct challenge. At least we can all still scoff at The General.
10:03 p.m. -- I had no idea that Gruden's eternal sunshine in the MNF booth was all about saving every bit of criticism for tonight. He might be one more Kiper crack about Cadillac Williams away from losing it.
10:13 p.m. -- I can't say for sure, but perhaps everyone took offensive players early to make the draft more interesting. There's a lot less chatter and fewer jokes to make during this defensive run.
10:20 p.m. -- I'd be interested to hear tonight's negative Gruden critique his own haircut.
10:27 p.m. -- I can't help but wonder how much Gruden actually likes Budda Baker as a player -- or if he's just in love with saying that name.
10:28 p.m. -- Just in case anyone was wondering, Jared Allen's little brother is fine. But he's drunk, wearing vintage Bucs gear and just got on camera by screaming "LET'S GOOOO!!!" over a new TE.
10:31 p.m. -- Nice that we can all go back to ignoring Cameron Brate now.
10:32 p.m. -- Breaking story from Trey Wingo: Garrett Bolles' lacrosse coach took him in, but forced him to live "under my house."
10:36 p.m. -- That's at least 3 plays of "Philadelphia Freedom" now. This wouldn't even be OK at a rollerskating rink.
10:37 p.m. -- Over/under on how many inhabitants of the Tampa Bay war room involuntarily submitted to urine tests when they found O.J. Howard still on the board.
10:46 p.m. -- Lenny's been praying for Evan Engram to the Steelers all along, but he clearly needs to work on his relationship with God. I've been trying to tell Jared that he's overrating David Njoku.
10:51 p.m. -- Evan Engram is 1 inch shorter and 4 pounds heavier than Brandon Marshall. Fair to wonder which one is closer to a TE.
10:54 p.m. -- With the 24th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders deliver a great big middle finger to all o' yous.
10:55 p.m. -- OK, all jokes aside, Gareon Conley says the rape allegations are "completely false." He's innocent until proven guilty. It's entirely possible he didn't do anything wrong here.
11:14 p.m. -- Man, for a second there I wasn't sure if I was listening to Takk McKinley or a Common track. Cool tribute to his grandma, though. If he's nearly that intense on the field, I'm in.
11:22 p.m. -- Jon Gruden really wants you to take Budda Baker.
11:23 p.m. -- I don't think instant draft grades are a good idea, but Trey Wingo gets an F for the Taco Charlton intro. How the heck do you tell us that mom and grandma gave him a nickname he hated, then started officially using ... and not explain the origin?!? (Especially after he hated it so much that he wouldn't eat tacos -- 1 of the world's most perfect foods.)
11:42 p.m. -- OK, ESPN started falling way behind the picks. Lots of defensive players lately. Frankly, I'm running out of juice. And now the Saints end the round with a boring pick. So boring that he chose "Jump Around" as his entrance music. At least I get to hear Lenny curse his Steelers taking T.J. Watt until bedtime. Thanks for playing along with us, and be sure to check Shark Bites and the podcast for more as the NFL Draft continues.